Category: Uncategorized

Peak: Slaying Demons

Yesterday was a bad day!

I was overwhelmed! It’s not like there is something major going on but an absolute ton of small stuff. More than I am usually dealing with these days. (by design) For the last two weeks, I have averaged 10+ hours a day on the computer between home and work and about 0 hours doing things I like to do, things I need to do. My house is trashed, the beautiful flowers I have been working so hard to maintain, are begging for attention, and I have not taken my dog outside at all.

Worse than that, I have not been meditating, or coloring, any of the things I do to protect myself from the demons that surround me.

When you are an addict in recovery, it’s easy to forget. It’s easy to forget how intricately designed your routines are and why. It’s easy to forget that you are in a daily battle. It’s easy to forget that you ARE an addict in recovery. What an amazing thing to say after such a long battle! Sometimes I forget that I even have this issue. Until days like yesterday….

….when it all comes crashing back. I felt it. I woke up at 4 am, after getting 3 hours of sleep. I had a whole 4.5 hours off the computer and then back to work. Things were not going right. Deadline on a project that was turning into a disaster. System conversion at work that was NOT going well. I could sense it. Time was ticking and nothing was going my way.

Then it whispered: ...are you starting to feel nauseous?

Yes, yes I was. I was definitely starting to feel nauseous, but there was no time! I was scrambling trying to get out of work. Finally on my way, 2 hours later than I planned, I hopped in my car.

And I heard it again: ...a little dizzy maybe, like your stomach hurts?

It did! My stomach was killing me all day because I had not eaten. Then, I saw the box of cookies that I grabbed on my way out the door that morning to have with my coffee. I reached for them…and stopped.

…..yes, do it! you will feel better…all of this will go away and you will feel better….do it!

STOP! I saw the signs. I picked up the phone and called my sister. I cried my eyes out, half because I was overwhelmed and half because I was scared I was about to fail. I made another call and another, just to keep myself occupied. Because in that moment, I knew exactly what would make me feel better.

And it whispered: you are going to vomit….

The feeling of nausea was becoming overwhelming. See that’s the game, because the mind is strong, you can in fact convince yourself that you are feeling sick….when you are not. Because throwing up when you are sick is okay and not a slip into old habits.

I pulled into my driveway and sat in my car, with my eyes closed, counting …1..2..3… I knew if I went inside, I would lose. I got my dog, I walked around outside, breathing, surrounding myself with things that bring peace…counting…30..31..32..33. I finally went inside and laid down on my bed. I was late and I needed to shower. If I just skip the binge and take the purge, that’s okay right? You know, just to get rid of the nausea. Then I will feel better and can get on with my fun night? NO! …75…76…77…78… I closed my eyes and shut the demon out.

I woke up 20 mins later. Silence. My mind was quiet. IT was gone…no nausea, no urge, silence.

Yesterday was a bad day! Or was it?

Rant: Is ADHD real?

Is ADHD a real condition? I have participated in this debate a number of times throughout the years. Here are some common points I hear from those who do not “believe” in ADHD:

  • “…people need to raise their kids, instead of medicate them”
  • “…whenever kids can’t sit still, we just give them a label”
  • “…ADHD isn’t a condition, it’s lazy parenting”
  • “…it’s made up as an excuse for kids who don’t behave”

In general, I agreed with some of the statements above. Many years ago, there was a child in my elementary class who had ADHD (maybe ADD back then?) and so I knew it existed but comparing that child to other children with the same diagnoses, I decided that maybe it was lazy parenting and not a condition. It’s easy to pass judgement on mental health because it is a gray space. These conditions are not visible and are not necessarily measurable, therefore, diagnosing feels subjective.

Growing up, I suspected that one of my kids might have ADHD, but because I was an advocate against medication (NOT against vaccination!), I believed that with the right parenting, self-control could be taught. After all, this “ADHD” thing is all about a person being able to control themselves, sit still, listen, etc. Right? No chance I am medicating my kid into being a zombie just so I can avoid teaching self-control and discipline! NO CHANCE! As it turns out, I was not wrong in my assessment, but quite wrong about my decision to avoid seeking proper treatment!

While it is true, to some extent, that the physical actions are considered in the diagnosing of ADHD, the real core of the issue is the ability to focus and concentrate. When someone has ADHD, they have a diminished ability to stay on task and to see that task through to completion, to put it simply. This turns into frustration that manifests itself in a variety of behaviors including anger, being antsy, hitting, etc.

At the age of 42, I was diagnosed as severely ADHD. Me?!?! ADHD?!?! But my parents weren’t lazy? I can sit still, always could! (ask teenage me, who had no issues with sitting for long periods of time at all!) Self-control? Sure, maybe I take things a little far from time to time with my tomfoolery and shenanigans, but in general, I think I am able to control myself pretty well. How can I have ADHD? That, now, infamous evaluation I completed, returned “off-the-chart” for ADHD. I had questions! Thankfully, my clearly, very patient psychiatrist answered all of my questions and really connected the dots for me.

While still not sure I was a firm believer, I figured I would try the proposed medication and see what happens. Here is what happened: MY LIFE HAS BEEN CHANGED! Almost instantly, I felt a clarity I had never in my life felt. I began to wonder if this is how other people feel all the time, all of their lives? For the first time, I realized that maybe I was wired differently. I was a great student throughout high school, but I joked about how I never did the big projects. My grades were so high, that it never mattered much. I avoided the big projects because I could not think my way through them or focus long enough to actually complete them. At work, I used to say: I am a project starter, not a project finisher! All clues pointing in the same direction. That has all changed. Suddenly, I am a project finishing MASTER! Tasks begin, tasks are finished. My days are organized. I am not spending my days staring off, blankly, wondering where to start.

How did I make it to 42 without anyone noticing? Here is how: I do not fit the generalized profile of ADHD. Even the psychiatrist, who had a stack of 100 pages mapping out my brain in front of her, could not believe the result. What I have learned is that ADHD is real. Do I believe it is over diagnosed? Sure, I imagine like anything else, it can be diagnosed incorrectly. I have also learned that generalizing symptoms off of physical attributes is dangerous in that people will slip through the cracks…as in my case.

Looking back, I have so much regret about not verbalizing my struggles. I preferred to make jokes about it because that was less embarrassing. You know what is not less embarrassing? Telling my kids that I dropped out of Community College because I could not hack it. College requires focus, concentration, and long-term planning. Skills that I could not perform. I wasn’t lazy. I didn’t need more discipline. Simply put, my brain does not function like the brain of others. The best explanation I heard to describe the treatment of ADHD is this: The brain is like an orchestra. If the orchestra is in harmony and you add an instrument (medication) it will disrupt the orchestra. However, if the orchestra is missing a sound and you add it, it creates harmony. This is the difference between abusing ADHD meds and needing them. My brain is in harmony and my life has changed.

Before jumping to conclusions on mental illness/conditions or prejudging behavior, take time to understand, to really understand that the brain is gray matter, not black and white matter. To say that a condition does not exist because it’s a battle you have not fought is a narrow perspective.

I will leave you with this: ADHD is real and it doesn’t just impact kids. It may not look the same for each person, but the mental struggle is very real and can alter the course of an individuals life if not properly treated. As we look at those around us, remember that we can not always see illness or conditions. That does not mean that these conditions do not exist or that someone isn’t in an invisible battle. If you suspect that you or someone you know may be ADHD, I promise it’s worth the evaluation! I find myself wondering about the possibilities of earlier detection. It’s not that things didn’t turn out “just fine” with my life…but is that enough?

One final thought, in case you were wondering, yes, this is the last piece of the “weight loss” puzzle. The medication I take addresses the ADHD but has a little something to help with my Bulimia. Naturally, introducing a stimulant to my body revved up that metabolism that was very sluggish after years of abuse. Now my mind and body are in sync!