Meditation – The Imposter

In August, I decided to seek change. While life will always be a series of peaks and valleys, it was time for me to invest in myself in a way I never had before. In my last post, I talked about the infamous Last Weekend of August. At the time, I had started to build my floating meditation deck and also registered for Yoga Teacher Training. Here is a bit of what has happened since:

I started to build my meditation deck with essentially none of the needed skills and no real plan, yet somehow….I built it! Me! Myself! Oh sure, some of the boards are slightly misaligned. Not all of the screws are flush with the boards. It does not exactly float (yet). However, I carried almost every piece of wood to the Down Below myself. I spent nearly every spare minute I had for 4 weeks constructing (sometimes deconstructing and reconstructing) my deck. I measured. I used power tools. I leveled. I stained. I bruised. I failed. I cursed. I learned. I grew. I did it ALL! One thing I never did was stop. No matter how frustrating things became or how tired I was, I wanted to see this through! I refused to quit on this project or myself!

Although I did not realize it at the time, the process of building this deck was my first step to changing my life. It had been so long (if ever) since I believed in myself or gave myself encouragement. I do not know when the last time was that I looked at something I had done with a sense of pride and achievement. Throughout this project, rather than the usual negative self-talk that is the soundtrack of my mind, I heard myself forgiving the mistakes. I felt compassion on the tough days. I saw beauty in the work I completed. I found strength in every hurdle. As I stood back and looked across my (mostly) finished project, I felt no judgement at my perfectly imperfect project. I found myself in uncharted waters. Literally found myself in a place I never recall being. A place where I could see myself and my efforts in a positive light! A place where love might grow for a person I have never particularly liked.

I built my meditation deck and what began as a project became the beginning of a journey that would leave me changed forever. Here is the (mostly) finished project:

I have never been a gloom and doom kind of person, but there is a tradition in my life (and I hate to call it that), that I did not choose and do not want. For no reason I can explain, the first weekend of August, every time it comes around, for that last 7 years brings a new (practically) unbearable tragedy to my life. I don’t mean tragedy, like the the heel of my shoe broke off or my favorite plant died. I mean tragedies that forever alter the course of your life. FOREVER ALTER. Year after year, one blow after another. The first weekend of August is so terrifying to me because I never have any idea what is coming my way, and it has never brought anything that could have been predicted.

In the midst of last years devastation, I was so distraught trying to understand what it was about this particular weekend and how it was possible that over and over again tragedy rears it’s head at such a specific time. Was I a serial killer in a past life? Did I enact my worst massacre on the first weekend in August? What did I do to cause this recurring nightmare the first weekend of August EVERY YEAR????? While I have no answer to the why, I know that I cannot live with this fear and anxiety every year. I can’t do it anymore. I won’t do it anymore.

During a particularly soothing session of Yoga some years ago, the Yoga teacher said this: “…if you are uncomfortable in your current position, change your mind or change your body, but do not sit in discomfort…” Those words rang through my ears and straight to my heart. I decided this year, in my year of change, that I would no longer sit in discomfort. Very decisively, I was determined to change the history of the first weekend of August. Not only change the history but cast some positive light over the weekend to shine through the darkness the encompasses it.

For sometime now, I have felt a draw towards Yoga and the lifestyle that comes with the practice. Over the last year, I have not been able to maintain my normal practice, but I did what I could, when I could and tried to live the life. Also, I wanted to create a place of peace, for myself ,to find solace on days where life is so overwhelming that I want to bury my head in the sand and hide (a.k.a The First Weekend of August). This year, in order to forever banish the curse of The First Weekend of August, I registered for Yoga Teacher Training with my second favorite Yoga teacher on the planet. (My number one is irreplaceable but does not do training) Also, I began to build a floating mediation platform that will be placed in my beloved Down Below.

I have never built anything nor have a ever used a saw. But change sometimes means taking a leap into the unknown and seeing where it will lead. With an open heart and an open mind, I began to build a structure with no real plan. In much the same way, I enrolled in YTT with no real plan for where I wanted to go. I feel a calling to deepen my practice. I feel a calling to create serenity in my life. I will not be a victim to whatever circumstance gave birth to the tragic First Weekend of August.

This year, for the first time in 7 years, the First Weekend of August came and went. The only thing that happened is that I changed it’s meaning forever. I began to build my meditation platform and I invested in myself (for the first time in my life) by committing to deepen the practice I love so much.

Will I teach when I am done? I do not know. Will my platform actually float? I do not know. And the answers don’t matter much in this story. What matters is that I was uncomfortable and so I changed my mind. I will not sit in discomfort….

Side note: My platform is not quite done, but here is the progress! Stay tuned for updates!