Valley: I am Bulimic

Publicly, I have never admitted that I am bulimic. I would even say that most people I know, don’t know I am bulimic. I used to say (when I said it at all): I WAS bulimic in high school. And I was. Last year, I finally admitted that I AM bulimic.

The erosion of my self-image and self-esteem began from a young age. Without spending too much time on that piece, I will say that I was bullied, repeatedly told I was fat, not good enough, less than, not working hard enough, not as good as such and such, etc. People who I loved, people I respected didn’t think I was enough. How can I be if they don’t think so? I must not be. Additionally, I was shy (yes, it’s true) and awkward, traits that don’t play well in school. As a result, I spent most of my adolescence suffering from depression. I did not know that then, but hindsight….

By high school, I had spiraled into a deep dark place. Expectations were high. There was so much at stake. How would I measure up? I was stressed trying to out run a mind that told me I was worthless while working tirelessly to find success. Where things started (continued?) to go wrong is that I loved food, food was always sooooo good to me! After a bad day, I would sit to find comfort, in food, but then the guilt would set in because I saw myself as fat, ugly, stupid, worthless. Me to me: You just ate WHAT?? You are already fat, what did you DO???? My solution was to undo what made me feel guilty, the surrogate for my emotions…the food. I started vomiting to remove the guilt. I liked it, that feeling. Feeling so full and then having a release. There was a calm that would set in. Over time, it became a routine and a habit. Bad day….binge…purge….calm. Because I prefer to wear loose clothing, it took time for anyone to realize that I was losing weight. But, it was high school and eventually I got “caught.” I made promises to stop. I had it under control. It’s over. I used to be bulimic.

But it didn’t. I hid. I was sneaky. I was guilty. The cycle continued. Guilt…binge…purge…calm. I was lying. I was fake. I was everything nobody thought I was, an Imposter. Guilt…binge…purge….calm. What if they find out? They will think I am weak. I am supposed to be strong. Guilt…binge…purge…calm. Something new began…hate. I hated myself for not being able to find another way. I hated myself for the way I looked. I hated myself for not being like everyone else who seemed so confident. I hated myself for not being a shining example for my kids. I hated myself for walking around with this “dirty little secret.” I hated myself for hating myself. The cycle evolved: Hate…binge…guilt…purge…calm.

There is a misconception when a condition is labeled as an eating disorder. For me, it had nothing to do with the eating. It had everything to do with the disorder, the guilt, self-loathing and seeking comfort. A cycle. A part of my routine. I knew there was something wrong in what I was doing, otherwise there would be no reason to hide. I needed a way to comfort myself and if anyone found out, my comfort could be taken away. For that reason, if I talked about it I talked about it only in the past tense. Then, it didn’t really exist. Did it?

As life went on, the medical issues began. Acid reflux, high blood pressure, low electrolytes, weight gain. Doctors were running tests and treating conditions but could never find the source. “….maybe you need a lifestyle adjustment, more exercise, better eating habits….”. I started to workout like mad. No results. More workouts! New workouts! Cycle. CrossFit. No results. Back to the doctors! How can I work out this much and still be obese? (denial is amazing!) They said: “….it gets harder as you get older….”. “….metabolism slows down with age…”. “….just keep at it…” I heard: …”Your body is a mess. You still can’t do anything right. You failed, again! If you just tried harder, maybe you could accomplish something!” Okay. I started working harder, eating smarter. I joined challenges. Signed up for gyms. The harder I worked without seeing results, the more I hated myself. The cycle continues. Hate…binge…guilt…purge…calm. I found new ways to be self-destructive to cover the guilt and shame. I denied that the lack of results could be related to my “dirty little secret”. That was a thing of the past, high school, right?

After my hormones were balanced (previous post). Mentally, I still wasn’t whole and I wanted to be. Something was stopping me from feeling like myself and it went beyond my hormonal imbalance. I was referred to a psychiatrist for evaluation. The testing was tricky. In general, on these tests, I can figure out what the question is assessing, navigating my way safely through without revealing too much. On this test, I could not. I gave honest answers. For the first time in my life, I WANTED to get better and to understand how I became so broken, why was I so tired and what was happening with my weight! I went in for my results. I was not prepared for what came next.

I sat down. The very first question I was asked was: Do you have an eating disorder? I felt flushed and looked at my feet. Does she ask everyone this? How could she possibly know? I let out a little quiet no. She told me that I scored off the charts for an eating disorder and reminded me that if I wanted to feel better, I needed to be honest with her and more importantly with myself. I broke down and for the first time, I said: Yes, I am bulimic and have been for decades. I found myself at the bottom of a well. It was a low point, a deep valley.

To quell any concern, I am in recovery. If you are one of the people who wanted to know how I lost weight, here is another piece of the puzzle. I am bulimic and I am getting help. (Aren’t you glad you asked?) My road to recovery has been long and deserves it’s own post, so stayed tuned! Falling into the valley is an important part of climbing to the peak.

Why am I sharing this today? Mental health is important! Beyond important! Yet we hide symptoms and pretend we are fine because that is more acceptable than admitting we need help. I am sharing this very personal information, because I have healed enough to know that I am not the only person walking around with a “dirty little secret.” (And believe me, this is one of many) If you need help, get it! If you need a friend, contact me! I have wonderful resources and would love to support anyone who needs it because I would not be where I am without the help and support of others. I am thankful for those who have been serving as my light while I navigate through darkness! Whether you have an issue or issues and even if you don’t, know that you are not alone, at the very least, you have me!